By Cory Waterhouse

The Summer of Beer and Whiskey


Price: $17

Chris von der Ahe knew next to nothing about baseball when he risked his life’s savings to found the franchise that would become the St. Louis Cardinals. Yet the German-born beer garden proprietor would become one of the most important—and funniest—figures in the game’s history. Von der Ahe picked up the team for one reason—to sell more beer. Then he helped gather a group of ragtag professional clubs together to create a maverick new league that would fight the haughty National League, reinventing big-league baseball to attract Americans of all classes. Sneered at as ‘The Beer and Whiskey Circuit’ because it was backed by brewers, distillers and saloon owners, their American Association brought Americans back to enjoying baseball by offering Sunday games, beer at the ballpark, and a dirt-cheap ticket price of 25 cents.  Baseball and beer go hand in hand and I miss the days when players were slovenly bearded guys who’d drink before the game, during the game … and then just take greenies (see: amphetamines) so they’d be functional enough to jog onto the diamond until October. We miss you, John Kruk, you bearded, fat-tastic bastard. 

FlipOut TV Wall Mount


Price: $900

The Extended FlipOut is designed to fit most LED, LCD and plasma TVs with a screen size up to 32 inches (see TV dimension chart). This mount extends your TV far enough that you can watch TV comfortably while lying down or sitting up in bed. Closing flat against the wall your television will be completely hidden. The arms of the mount are designed to conceal the cables that connect to your TV. You can easily install these cables yourself. When you’re not watching TV simply close the mount to completely hide your TV behind the attached picture frame. This is the honed, sweet perfection that just defines ‘Murica. You simply flip your TV out from the wall … and indulge in an instant marathon of The Wire without having to get up … or really move at all. Next you get a catheter and a feeding tube and then THE ILLUMINATI HAVE WON.

Lamborghini Egoista  


Price: $TBA

This futuristic single-seater is the only one of its kind in the world. Powered by a 5.2-liter V10 engine that churns out 600 horsepower, it takes the attributes that are in the DNA of every Lamborghini to the next, extreme level. Since I never received an official response from Lamborghini regarding if they’re even going to mass produce this car (I actually never called them), I’m not positive about the cost but I’m sure it’ll be the price of a house in Durango, Colorado. This car should come with a superhero outfit and a secret hideaway cave where you plot the destruction of various criminal masterminds and their organizations, where you then save the world but still must live in the shadows to protect the innocent. Uh … I think right about now might be a good time to wean myself off Netflix …

The Original Batmobile


Price: Auction

There are only a few items in life that are able to capture the soul of an era. Not many people can say they own a pinnacle point in history that revolutionized a particular genre and an entire industry that followed in its footsteps. Maybe it was the catchy theme song that played in the beginning or the comedic/action-packed acting that was followed by ‘POW’/’BANG’ in this TV show, but then there are the real fans that will strongly advocate, till this day, that coming home to watch the Batmobile soar out of the bat cave in the Batman TV series defines a lot of their first childhood loves to hit the television screens. The 1966 Batmobile by George Barris is the most recognized and popular piece of entertainment history, worldwide, that has become an icon, an icon that has been carried from generation to generation of Batmobiles to follow. Is this a little over the top? Yes, absolutely. … But can you imagine the parental street cred you’d get by picking up your kids in the BATMOBILE? But leave the ‘60s era Adam West mask at home. I think that’s closer to 

S&M than it is to PTA.

LawnBott SpyderEvo 


Price: $1,725

Lawn-mowing season is upon us, and if you’d rather not spend your free time this summer keeping your yard in check, let the LawnBott SpyderEvo do it for you. This semi-automatic mower uses perimeter wire and internal sensors to handle pretty much any yard up to 10,000 square feet, automatically recharges itself using the optional docking station, offers four-wheel drive to manage slopes up to 27 degrees, is virtually silent, and runs up to 3.5 hours at a time on a single charge of its Li-ion battery. I wonder if it has the same impact if I watch this little lawn robot beast while I sit in a lounge chair with black socks and sandals … yelling at neighbor kids. Maybe if I attach a squirt gun to the top, I can douse those little turds when they try and climb the tree in my front yard. Just a thought …

Hylete Cross Training Short and Hoodie


Price: $70 and $60

So begins the evolution of your favorite hybrid training short. The same quality engineering and thoughtful attributes of the 1.0 model are included in the 2.0 with a few new tweaks making it a lighter, more comfortable and better performing cross-training short.

Road Shower


Price: $300

It is like adding as needed plumbing to your vehicle. … A green solution using renewable energy. With the Road Shower you can have pressurized water wherever you go. It will heat the water while you drive and will be ready to give you a high pressure hot shower at the end of the day. Hot or cold, the Road Shower has many uses from the camp hose for dishes, gear, pets or for extra drinking water. This sounds like a good idea for anyone that has an active lifestyle and consistently needs to hose off. Like … surfers, people with dogs and axe murderers.

Mavericks Expedition Tent


Price: $6,800

The multi-purpose tent Mavericks is especially designed for extreme conditions. It can be used as base camp or group tent, for example. It offers an internal height of two meters and more than 13 square meters of space. Mavericks also uses the IDG (Inflatable Diamond Grid) technology and the patented Multi Chamber Safety System: after inflation the inflatable structure can be separated in 10 individual air chambers to ensure an emergency stability in case of a defect. The whole tent is pre-assembled and can be set up by one single person in no time. Its special geodesic structure of the tent Mavericks is developed to withstand high wind speeds up to 180km/h. So, by extreme conditions do you mean my front yard during the summer with my kids? Because that’s about as extreme as I get when it comes to camping. Sleeping on dirt and peeing on trees sounds great if you’re a peasant, but now that I think of it, this tent might come in handy for the impending financial meltdown and eventual collapse of society (so says the onslaught of emails I get from crazy people around San Diego).

Death Wish Coffee


Price: $20/11-pound bag

Every day Mike Brown would drag himself out of bed to open his small coffee shop, Saratoga Coffee Traders, in Saratoga Springs, NY. He would always offer the darkest roast he had but knew that this may not be the most caffeinated coffee because dark roast coffee contains less caffeine than their lighter roasted counterparts. After countless weeks of late nights, early mornings, cupping, testing and tasting, he finally discovered the perfect blend of beans. DEATH WISH COFFEE ‘The World’s Strongest Coffee.’ When Starbucks has 20.6 mg/fl. oz. and Death Wish has 54.2 mg/fl. oz., I think the choice is clear. You might never sleep again and your hands will be shaking like you have the DT’s, but GODDAMN I love coffee. 

Earth Cooler from eCool 


Price: $349

The Earth Cooler is 113 cm in height, 22-30 cm in diameter and weighs 12 kg. It holds 24 cans and can stay installed the whole year. It’s advised to use a garden drill but can be installed with a shovel as well. The Earth Cooler’s top is very well insulated and maintains about the same cooled temperature throughout the whole container. So apparently I can dig a hole, fill it with this wondrous contraption and then I’ll have a never ending train of canned beer being excavated from the cool, crisp earth.*  

*Disapproving neighbors, bleary-eyed alcoholism and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome not included.